Everyone has the right to be emo sometimes, right?
Thoughts | April 22, 2010
Lately, I’ve been feeling this overwhelming sense of failure.
It seems as if I can’t do anything right, I can’t effect any of the outcomes I want, all my applications for anything ricochet as rejections, and whatever I do, someone else does it so much better that they leave my pitiful little attempts in the dust.
Why don’t my applications bode well with selection committees? Why am I not finding any internships or research opportunities? Is it a deficiency in my personality? A lack of passion? Bad writing? An inability to accurately gauge what the committees want? An inability to gauge what I want, leading to a lack of enthusiasm?
Why am I not doing as well as I’d like in my classes? Am I not studying enough? Am I just not good at a particular subject? Do I just not like these classes enough because they’re what I think I should be doing and what my mother is making me do on the threat that my education won’t be worth its price and she won’t want to pay for it and she’ll be disappointed in me for eternity otherwise, not because they’re what I really want to do? What do I want to do?
Why am I unable to get close to other people? Even surrounded by and interacting with other people, I still feel all alone. When someone tries to get too close to me, I instinctively push them away, though I know that’s not what I want. Is this because of the lack of closeness within my family? An inability to trust even my parents because they let me down?
I don’t know if I’m really just a spectacular failure at life, or if my standards are simply way too high. Well, I mean, either way, my standards are too high for what I’ve been carrying out. And I don’t know if that’s because I’m just insane, or because my parents have turned me into a monster that expects nothing less than perfection by never allowing me to make any mistakes, or because society as a whole places too much pressure on success.
I am so confused.
In response to the title: Definitely. Everyone has that right.
I’d just like to ask: What do your parents want you study? Is it something you’re at all interested in? What would they say if you switched career paths?
I’ll start with this: you’re not a failure. But I know how it feels to feel like one. For the grades to not be perfect, to feel like your parents are just too strict about school, to feel unsure of ‘where you’re going’. I have not yet gone through the application process, but I can only imagine it’s even more stressful. The thing about feeling like a failure is (at least for me) I ultimately turn into one. If I feel like I can’t do any better, I want to give up and just sit around lazy-like. It’s not good. And I have to remind myself why I take the higher placement classes, and why I want exceptional grades. Even then it takes a while to feel like I’m getting somewhere. it’s going to sound cheesy and obvious, but taking a moment to relax and reevaluate might help. Not stress out over what’s going wrong, focus on what you’re proud of which is good. Eventually, you will figure out what you want.
As for being close to other people… I can’t personally relate, because I’m very close to my friends and family. Is there anyone you feel you could really trust with everything? Not a group, one person? Because venting might help you out.
My standards are always too high for what I carry out too. It’s ridiculous the goals I set for myself, but I’m so lazy when it comes to working towards them. or sometimes they’re just really unrealistic goals. You’re definitely not a failure at life if you fail at a couple of your own high standard goals. Parents always mean well, but if they pushed you in that direction, you could feeling an effect of strict educational upbringing. and definitely society putting a large pressure on you and every student.
This is probably littered with typos and grammar errors, I apologize. Good luck getting back on track and figuring out ‘where you’re headed/going’. Again, taking a breather might help
You absolutely have a right to feel whatever it is you are feeling, whether it be good or bad. We all go through slumps. It’s a part of life… the peaks and valley’s… right now you’re in a valley, and that’s okay. The hard part is getting out of it, but it just takes time. Just never give up. Change your ideas, your goals, your settings, keep on plugging, but don’t give up.
Everyone should have the right to be emo, at times, although I fear such periods are far too common in my own life, at the moment, and I can relate to some of what you’ve said. Probably, emo periods are fine as long as they don’t take over your life!
I, too, find it difficult to effect the results I want. It seems that trying hard on something nets the same result as barely trying, and that annoys me to no end. And yes, there is always someone better no matter how hard you try. I also lack the ability to get close to people. I don’t know why, but the other person always has much more of an emotional attachment to me, than I do to them. To me, the concept of “missing someone” is so novel, yet everyone else seems to be able to do it…
Now, you’re definitely not a failure. No-one can be perfect, and as far as I can tell, you work hard, which is all you can really do.
You are most definitely not a failure, I can promise you that. I guess the only thing I can say that could be remotely helpful is to look at the things in your life that are a source of this feeling of failure/disappointment and re-evaluate them. <3
Yes, everyone has the right to be emo sometimes. When I get hit by the wave, I usually lie down in my bed, play emo songs on iPod and let the hurt go on. Once I’m over it, I stand up, stop the music and get one with my life. It’s as simple as that. Don’t let it get to you, Meg. Walk it off.